Confronting the Cloak of Toxicity: An Empowered Journey to Self-Healing.

They say that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear, and so I found myself mid-November of last year indulging in a beautiful, spiritual conversation with a lady with energy reading gifts far superior to my own. I demonstrated my own abilities as we read each other’s energetic imprint, dabbling with aura - "You have an aura like a beautiful, pink sunset." She said. "But you wear toxic energies that are not of your own."

She explained to me that I carry the energy of every person that has ever tried to dim my light. Those that deliberately misrepresent me, continuously talking down my gifts and talents, competing and stealing, leeching off my wild essence until I become a mere shadow of my former self.

She came with a stark warning that until I eradicated these energies, either by way of detachment from those they belong to or by healing methods of my own choosing, I would not progress any further in my spiritual journey. That I wore these energies of toxicity like a cloak around my shoulders and that the cloak was suppressing me by silencing my throat chakra and slowly diminishing my once bourgeoning, open heart. The weight of it always growing heavier, it held me down and kept me small, limiting my spiritual gifts and preventing me from sharing with the world all that I truly am.

I have always found it difficult to walk away from people. I prefer to ride out relationships through thick and thin, upholding a core belief that if I tell a person that their behaviour is hurting me - and I repeat it often enough - that they’ll eventually choose a kinder path. That the drive to do good by others will always outweigh the bad, and this is generally true of people with pure heart and spirit, but to those with a vendetta against you and especially the narcissists of this world, to know that they are causing you pain is nothing short of an aphrodisiac. They find pleasure in hurting and taking from you and the more you bring attention to their immoral behaviour and/or tell them to stop, the more they’ll continue to do it.

And yet despite this knowledge I cannot leave. Maybe some part of me is still battling with my self-esteem and deep down I believe that I deserve this treatment? That my dreams aren’t worthy of being my own? That my innate gifts and wisdom, creative ideas and visions are more deserving to those that mock and judge from the side-lines… maybe even - as was once brazenly implied - my wild essence would simply look better on them?

Exploring the Cloak Intuitively

I made the decision that walking away wasn’t an option and so I did what I always do. I retreated into myself and uncovered my own intuitive ways and means of tending to the current problem. Using my mind's eye in meditation and energy practice, I initially explored this cloak, asking questions such as the following;

What does the cloak look like to me?

How are the toxic energies represented in this cloak?

And how might I remove its strangled hold over me?

The cloak sat heavy around my shoulders (just as the spiritual lady had described), manifesting as a medieval cuirass and covering my heart space in a suit of armour. Forged out of metal, it was solid to my mind’s eye but for the black cloud of energies that rose up sporadically from the cloak as a shallow mist. I spent several weeks attempting to dismantle the cloak using my sunset aura and the energies of the fields and trees of nature. Inviting the energy so that it might sear away the thick armour, releasing toxic energy that was never truly mine; it took some time but finally, I saw progress.

The energetic cloak of armour began to chip away, crumbling at the edges whilst my coral pink aura burned through the cloak like rivers of liquid lava. And as the cloak of armour slowly started to fall away, the more triggered, and angry those that would see me small and hidden became. I wanted to shout aloud, that I no longer care! That the purposeful life I am building and the loving connection I share is far more valuable than petty jealousy and spite… But I do care, because good people always care. You have a heart of Gold, she’d said.

Admittedly I was once that person, triggered and unhappy, lashing out because my friends and siblings were following their hobbies and talents, and creating lives of their own whilst I was stuck at home battling negative belief systems that told me I had neither gifts nor purpose to bring forth into the world and that I would forever be stifled by the limitations of my chronic health condition.

I know more than anyone what it feels like to sit on the edge of the pool of life experience and watch everyone dive into the deep lagoon of opportunity and relationship, whilst I merely skimmed a toe across the surface of the waters every once in a while. It is painful and it is soul destroying to sit by idly awaiting your turn, but it was not the fault of others that I dwelled there, and neither is it mine that others dwell there now, and surely as I journey my fourth decade, I am finally allowed my moment to plunge into the deep depths and explore every facet of my authentic expression without continuous condemnation?

Using my mind’s eye, I sense into the blush energies of my own essence and invite them into the verdant fold of my favourite oak tree and together our energies merge, a synergetic dance, intertwined and braided. A gentle spiralling of healing, heart-led energy rising slowly up towards what remains of the now battered cloak.

I channel the energy underneath the cloak as I reach both hands up and over my shoulders, and the cloak begins to lift. For the first time I see the darkness swirling beneath. Toxicity and vengeance conjured within a dense black mist, dulling my light and stunting my spiritual growth.

"You do not belong here. You are not my energies to keep!"

The darkness tries to consume me. I remember every lie I overlooked, all the manipulation I pretended not to see.

 "You are not my energy..."

Every time they nullified my truth and gaslit my integrity. The abuse of mind and violation of my body.

"You are not my energy to keep!"

I try raising the cloak but still it holds on. Conversations and chilling remarks, picking apart my character, accusing me of all the things they did whilst hiding behind beguiling words and pretty smiles.

"You do not belong here!

You are not my energy to keep!

I release you!"

Subtle Shifts and Profound Transformation

The shift wasn’t immediate. There were no grand gestures or dramatic endings to make way for the new ways of doing and being. I simply noticed as I went about my day-to-day life that my perception was changing.

I permit myself to dream bigger and share my creative expression with others, manifesting the things I could only dream about in poetry and Instagram captions until now. The capacity to use my voice expands as the barbed wire that once held my throat chakra to ransom is slowly transforming into a slither of blue silk, and the mist that had concealed both myself and the fields of winter disperses to reveal vast, blue skies.

The skylark’s begin their song of spring and my heart softens at the edges, unveiling a deeper empathy for the plight of those whom once had a manipulative hold over me. My patience is extensive and my judgement minimal, and the hurt and anger that once inhibited the cloak of energy, has all but disappeared. With a rising warmth via the hand upon my chest, I embrace my energetic gifts with very little doubt or fear.

In the rare moments my mind returns to the confinements of the energy cloak, the Universe increasingly finds ways to call me home.

A caress of my hair by the wind.

A fluttering in my heart from the surrounding energies.

A call from nature.

A summoning from the Wild.

And bit by bit, I return. For in the present moment there is no longer a cloak of armour and what little remains of the black mist has dispersed and made way for the coral heart of my true, wild essence.

A Heart's Sigil

On the last day of February and what was subsequently the first day of spring, I met with the spiritual lady and took a new journey through the portal of my third eye. Channeling the potent, Reiki energy of nature, I navigated the crystal white waters of my body's energy rivers until I reached a sigel embedded deep within the vast field of my now clear and flourishing heart space; a tulip rose. Etched diligently in all the main colours of my aura, emitting the lyrical whispers of my soulful signature.

And in my mind's eye I pluck the tulip rose and gift it, with love, to another.

"You are Reiki Rose", the spiritual lady said. "That is your name".

If you feel called to release stuck energy or reconnect with your own wild essence, I invite you to explore my Reiki Offerings:

Book a Reiki Session